Monday, March 17, 2008

The Health Department Put an End to the Hasselhoff Burger

A little background on this post. A good friend of mine - Kenny Havok over at Zubaz & Cock Rock - went to Kuma's Corner last weekend. Kuma's is a burger spot in Lincoln Park whose menu features hair metal band-named burgers. If you know Mr. Havok, you know that hair metal is his specialty. Despite the horrible wait, the restaurant was reviewed positively over at Z&CR (scoring a 666!) with one notable exception; the burgers don't really have anything to do with the bands they honor, offering an excellent blogging opportunity. Mr. Havok's review includes suggestions on how to make how to make the burgers more like their respective band names along with a few suggestions of his own. In a revolutionary approach to blogging(!), Mr. Havok invited Robot In Disguise and The Situation Has Deteriorated to tandem blog on his post (I am certain this has NEVER been done before). So below you have my ideas about how the burgers would best represent the band they are named after. Although none of these ideas are as good as Matt Reedy's suggestion that the John Mayer Burger should be a salad...

Guns 'N Roses Burger - You get a small sample of the burger and it is really good so you order a second one. And you keep waiting and waiting, but it never comes out despite the fact that the chef keeps insisting that it will ready shortly.

Beyonce Burger - Hot and juicy offering popular with all sorts of people. It was originally part of the larger, more complicated Destiny Child burger, but people realized the only tasty part of the burger was the delicious middle, so the restaurant unceremoniously got rid of the other superfluous parts. The burger is now so popular, it is being served at local movies theaters as well.

Dave Matthews Band Burger - You try to order a regular hamburger, but the chef just keeps sending out a live cow. Again and again. Never anything fresh or new, just more live stuff keeps coming. While this is frustrating it is a better meal choice than the DMB Bisque, a hearty mixture of Chicago River water and poop from the tour bus.

Eminem Burger - The burger comes out and is sent back to the kitchen because it hasn't been blackened enough, even though it is better than every other blackened burger available in the restaurant.

Beatles Burger - Innovative and popular burger from England which is unlike any burger you have ever tasted until you get a side of Yoko halfway through the meal, which ruins the entire dining experience.

Nirvana Burger - The cow who's beef you were supposed to eat kills himself and the lettuce jumps to the Foo Fighters burger and no one is quite sure what happened to the tomato. Waiter suggests replacing your order with a Pearl Jam or Soundgarden offering.

Smashing Pumpkins Burger - You order it and take a bite, decide that it is so good you will share it with everyone else. You start passing it around from table to table, but for some reason the Smashing Pumpkin burger never makes an appearance back where it originally came from.

Rolling Stones Burger - A solid choice with cheddar, BBQ sauce, bacon with kobe beef and a kaiser roll. A staple for years. But everyone goes to the bar or bathroom when it comes out of the kitchen with something new on it.

Fall Out Boy, Guster, Oasis or Maroon 5 Burger - When you order either of these, you don't actually get anything, but you are asked by your waiter to go borrow/steal parts of everyone else's burger. You "build" your "own" burger from there, but never actually contribute anything original to the burger or overall menu.

Radiohead Burger - Only available online, you pay what you want and it is delivered through the mail four days later.

Arcade Fire Burger - It comes with 10 different ingredients that you would never put together yourself, but the taste is so perfectly orchestrated, that it is better than anything you have ever tasted before.

Coldplay Burger - scraps of the larger, more popular, and better U2 burger just put together under a stale bun.

Journey Burger - From south Detroit, a popular selection, but only on karaoke nights.

Any other suggestions?


Sara said...

Hannah Montana Burger - The highly marketed burger is most heavily sought after by freewill-robbed fathers of demanding pre-teen girls. The burgers high price tag has yet to be correlated with ANY improved caliber of the burger's ingredients. Naive restaurant patrons receive glares when they ask "What's the difference between the Hannah Montana Burger and the Miley Cyrus Burger?"

Hayley said...

Amy Winehouse burger- It tastes nostalgically good, like a burger you might have eaten back in the 50s or 60s, and you love it, and then you realize... you are now addicted to crack.

One Word said...

The KISS Burger - A generic burger whose taste is covered by an assortment of cheeses and comes with a plethora of sparklers and M80s surrounding the burger.