Family Feud Glory

I love the Family Feud. I know it is childish and juvenile at certain points, but it is unendingly hilarious, mainly because of the blatant stupidity displayed on the show. When asked for a state where you can wear the same clothes year round, would you answer Washington, D.C.? Who thinks “whoops” rhymes with “barn”? Are clothes something just little kids wear? Does a bad golfer really go through a lot of carts? And is Regis Kelly one of Oprah’s best friends? Some of my favorite Feud moments can be seen here, here, here, and here. There is much more to love…watching people get an X to the face, listening to the audience respond en mass to the remaining answers being revealed, and having people give the Family Feud-default answer of choice – “making love!” A few weeks ago, when one of the questions was “Name something that children close their eyes when doing”, Alyse’s immediate response was “MAKING LOVE!”.

One of the more subtle aspects of Family Feud is their tendency to play racial groups against each other. I swear one time during college the Whites played the Blacks. And this happens with some regularity and certainly not with any malice. Just an interesting point of pattern recognition. While watching a few weeks ago with my roommate, we saw a family with an Adolph – dressed as a U.S. Marine, which we suspect was done for the sole purpose of deflecting suspension – playing the Schweitermans. Thankfully the Schweitermans handedly defeated Adolph, but the underlying context was tough to not miss and at least get a chuckle out of. (It was like when I went to a Catholic wedding this summer and the priest was joking about the flexibility of four year-olds…if you are going to lead me to the threshold of uncomfortable jokes, I will gladly cross it.)

This got my roommate and I thinking, what if the Obamas played the McCains played each other on the Family Feud? How hilarious would that be? So we thought about various questions and the candidates’ and their families’ responses, which carried over the next day to Gchat. The following is a “Best of…”, many of which are not by me. Please enjoy. And feel free to add your own.

“Name the most expensive electronic in your home.”
McCain: “My phonograph.”

“Name something you would hear at your local church.”
Obama: “God damn America.”

“Other than Democracy, name a form of government currently in use that you admire.”
McCain: “The feudal system.”

“Name a characteristic of middle class Americans.”
Obama: “Bitter.”

“Name something that costs less than a quarter.”
McCain: “A box of cereal.”

“Name a member of the Holy Trinity.”
Obama: “Me.”

“Name an invention you’d hope to see in your lifetime.”
McCain: “Sliced bread.”

“Name something people pop on a regular basis.”
Cindy McCain: “Pills”

“Name something commonly held in a football stadium.”
Obama: “Acceptance speeches”

“Name a recent event that thrilled the nation.”
McCain: “The Cubs World Series victory.”

“Name a place you wouldn't find lipstick.”
Palin: “A pitbull.”
Obama: “Hillary.”

“Other than the presidency, name a life goal of yours.”
McCain: “Visiting all 24 states.”

“Name something people hope for.”
Obama launches into his stump speech

“Name something a married couple may have more than 2 of.”
McCain: “Houses.”

“Name one of the 7 deadly sins.”
McCain: “Inexperience!”

“Name an unpopular sports franchise.”
Obama: “Mavericks.”
McCain: “Browns.”

A few other things about this election. I can't figure out how Obama let the "change" message get hijacked. I still don't understand how the Democrats allowed for this election to be more of a referendum on Obama than on Bush/Republicans policies of the past eight years. And I still don't see how Republicans can balance their desire for a nuclear family and to have such a inflexible position on abortion. I promise more regular posts now.

Mr. Potato Head Politics

This is half-assed, but I decided to post it so that there was something new this week before a LOST-post next weekend. I like Michael and Pam and Dwight, as well as Jack and Liz Lemon, but nothing is better than Jacob and Ben, Desmond and Sayid. Anyway, on to this post...

By now, most everyone who pays even peripheral attention to politics has seen footage of last week's Democratic Presidential debate between Sens. Obama and Clinton. The way the debate's first hour was handled by ABC moderators has been criticized from a number of different angles, but Sen. Obama's camp was without question the most dismayed and taken aback by the questions posed. However with all due respect to two of George Stephanopoulos' most awful moments - the "does Rev. Wright love this country as much as you" and the "I know you don't want to talk about it" dismissal of a Clinton-Richardson conversation - ABC let a Pennsylvania citizen - Nash McCabe - provide the greatest unintentional highlight of the befuddling evening. In response to Obama removing an American flag pin from his lapel early on in his candidacy, McCabe asked if Obama believed in the American flag, but tried to soften her question by saying the inquire was not intended to question his patriotism. It seems as if as long as the question wasn't "Do you believe the American flag actually exists in physical form?", McCabe was questioning his patriotism. Since Obama is both hesitant to wear the American flag pin and is sick of having to answer questions about it, here are some prop/flair suggestions for Obama to wear during the next debate so that people clearly knows about his love of America and its citizens. We could each make our own Barak-debate doll, plugging in the pieces of flair we would want our leaders to wear on the trail. It'd be Mr. Potato Head politics. I personally think it would be hilarious if he walked onto the podium looking like this, displaying the minimum 37 pieces of flair.



Captain America's Shield

Nothing says "I love this country" more than wielding a nigh-indestructible convex shield made from a fusion of vibranium and with an experimental steel alloy measuring 2.5 feet in diameter. It would serve a number of purposes. First, it is red, white and blue - the most successful color-scheme in world history - and presumably made in the USA. Patriotic and economically stimulating! More questions from the moderators that Obama doesn't want to answer during the debate? CLANK! across the questioners grill. Hell, the ricocheting shield toss could take care of multiple moderators AND Clinton in a single toss. And the shield has already defeated the Nazis. The GOP and shadow terrorists would hardly be a test of its power. Clearly, the shield would be a bigger addition to the campaign than Oprah.


World's Greatest Dad Mug

Defending oneself for two straight hours must parch one's throad. That's why instead of having a boring, standard water glass, Obama should clearly drink some Dunkin Donuts coffee - the brew of the masses - from a "World's Greatest Dad" mug between questions. Because nothing says "World's Greatest Dad" like having to tell your school age kids that they will have to follow daddy and mommy to Iowa for two months in the winter, then around to a cadre of other states and then maybe they will have move into a house Mr. Rezko didn't buy for them.

Coexist Headband

What better prop to draw attention away from one's Dumbo ears than to sport one of these stylish wears across one's forehead for the duration of the debate - or maybe just one appropriate question. It is a simple way to appeal to three separate Demographics - Christians, Jews and Muslims at the same time! - while connecting with one of the world's most recognizable and socially active stars - Bono. In fact, I would suggest that Obama wear exclusively Bono outfits, namely this one, and this one, and this one.with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill.

Presidential Seal Accessories

What says "I'm both Presidential and America-loving" better than walking out with a fist full of arrows in one hand, an olive branch in the other, and a dozen sheets of toilet paper being held in his mouth with "E Pluribus Unum" scrawled on it?

Statue of Liberty Crown Souvenir

He may have an aversion to wearing red, white, and blue, but there is a color that everyone understands and can agree on especially when Mother Economy is on vacation in China - green. The stylish Statue of Liberty crown would be a wonderful addition to Barak's wardrobe.

There have to be more, but I can't get myself excited to write about them.

Just Make It Stop

Of all the disgraced politicians, Eliot Spitzer may be my favorite. He owned up to what he did rather than unendingly deny his actions then attack the legality of the investigation that ensnarled him. He took responsibility and stepped aside, avoiding the circus atmosphere that would have engulfed Albany and inhibited him from effectively doing his job. While most people would agree that sex with a prostitute is unbecoming behavior for most men – and especially one of the nation's governors – it is still just an adulterous affair. It could have been far worse. Spitzer didn't use public funds to bankroll his prostitution fix, nor did he compromise the office or his constituents by placing those he was having an affair with into government positions they were unqualified for, as his New Jersey counterpart did. It was more the wide disparity of his public crusades and his private indulgences that sunk his political ship. Regardless, the scope of damage could have been worse and Spitzer addressed it in a direct and prompt way, yet he still stepped aside.

And if Spitzer has set the bar for resignation, then Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has surpassed it with plenty of room to spare. But the mayor hasn't taken a single cue from the former New York governor. A quick recap of the mess Kilpatrick has found himself in: Kilpatrick, son of a U.S. Congresswoman, was elected Mayor in 2001 at the age of 31. A young and charismatic leader, Kilpatrick was supposed to represent the promise and hope of a reborn Detroit. Unfortunately, Kilpatrick used the position's power and influence like a child would use a toy chest – picking and choosing the best way to entertain himself. There has been long rumors of a wild party of the mayoral mansion - the Manoogian (or Boogie-Down) Mansion - involving strippers and an alleged altercation between a dancer and Kilpatrick's wife. The young woman was shot dead in a drive-by shooting soon thereafter as her boyfriend sat in the front passenger seat of her car. The party instigated an investigation by internal affairs, but we derailed when the IA head and two cops were abruptly fired – or "misappointed" by the Mayor. The three sued the city for wrongful termination, knowing that they had been fired because of their impending exposure of the Mayor and his misdeeds. In the whistleblower trial, the Mayor and his female Chief of Staff (long-time friend) testified to no wrong doing and indicated that there was not an intimate relationship between the Mayor and his most immediate appointee. The city – at the Mayor's urging – agreed to a $9 million dollar settlement with the three cops in October. But early this year, the Detroit Free Press published rather salacious and implicating text messages between the Mayor and Chief of Staff of the two's affair and the firing of the three cops. It is pretty clear that perjury occurred. The Chief of Staff resigned soon thereafter and yesterday the Mayor was charged with 8 different counts, ranging from obstruction of justice, perjury and conspiracy. The former Chief of Staff also was charged with a half dozen or so charges. It is a huge mess, but the Mayor – despite large amounts of evidence to the contrary – expects to be cleared of any wrong doing and has refused to resign, even though an impending trial would take up much of the Mayor's time and attention away from a city that desperately needs it.

Kym Worthy, the prosecutor who charged the Mayor Monday, was exactly right…this is not a personal matter. If the Mayor just had an affair, then that could be considered an isolated and personal matter.

But the fact is that the Mayor flaunted and mocked the justice system during the whistle blower trail, ruined the reputations and careers of Detroiters who were doing their sworn duty while he was not, and the fact that the Mayor used $9 million from the city's coffers to cover up his embarrassing behavior. If any other city employee had cost Detroit close to eight-figures to avoid embarrassment, they would be ousted immediately. I am not entirely sure how the Mayor is any different.

And so the Mayor and his team have fallen into the familiar posture of deny, deny, deny and then attacking those who brought the mess to light. The Mayor has apologized, but not specifying what he is apologizing for and has hinted that his defense strategy will be based on proving that it wasn't his thumbs that pounded out the text messages to his Chief of Staff. The defense seems rather flimsy considering that Beatty has acknowledged the affair and resigned. The Mayor's team has also accused of the Free Press of being racially motivated, but the press seems to be willing to expose mayoral sex scandals regardless of race – take a look at San Francisco's mayor or George Ryan in Illinois, the white governor who is now serving time in rural Wisconsin for bribery charges. But Kilpatrick is hoping to rally his base by implicitly saying, "If I am removed, the white suburbanites have won and we can't have that." The Mayor used the N word at the end of the State of the City address, another strike to the wedge that continues to divide many of metro Detroit's residents. And since Worthy is black, they can't use the racially-motivated card against her, so they say the charges she has brought about are politically motivated. Those who have shown they have difficultly taking their responsibility seriously believe themselves to be the only ones who aren't culpable for this mess. Their hubris could not more clearly be shown.

But the Kilpatrick's fellow African-American mayors from across the country cancelled an annual meeting/convention at the last minute because the Mayor is political toxic, but I'm sure the administration would admonish that group for some inexplicable reason too.

And unfortunately, the Mayor's irresponsibility has put Detroit back on the front page for all the wrong reasons. While Kilpatrick cannot take credit for getting Comerica Park and Ford Field built, nor attracting some of the world's most prestigious sporting events, or for the move of General Motors to their current downtown location, Kilpatrick has been at the helm of a remarkable seven years in Detroit, including the opening of the RiverWalk, Campus Martius Park, some positive neighborhood development, and perhaps the most important and memorable week in Detroit's long history – that first week of February 2006, when the nation descended onto Detroit for Super Bowl XL. Expectations were not only met, but clearly exceeded and while Kilpatrick cannot take much personal credit for the week's success, it did happen under his watch and its glow shined brightly on the city's chief. However that brief era of good feelings has ended and Kilpatrick now finds the business community distancing themselves from a man they so desperately wanted – and needed – to succeed. Development will have to be put on hold, attention will be distracted, and the nation's newspapers will be splashed with stories out of Detroit that no one can be proud of. He has had successes, but this gathering storm is more than the city should be asked to withstand.

But Kilpatrick – selfishly and stubbornly – will not spare the city and his family the embarrassment as lawyers trying to define "sexual relationship" and "intimate contact". He will hope that one juror will be unconvinced or unwilling to send away a man who once held such promise, but now only holds a battered and mocked reputation. He will hope that his base will be rallied to re-elect him in November 2009, showing that they would rather have nothing entirely to themselves than share it with anyone from the outside. And he will hope that the text messages recently subpoenaed by the murdered stripper's family doesn't implicate him in a gruesome and unthinkable act. This seems to be bottomless.

And make no mistake, the biggest victims of this will be those that care about and live in Detroit. They have gotten hoodwinked by a irresponsible man who has used the tools of progress for personal enjoyment. They have not gotten the leader they need. And they have once again been embarrassed nationally in a way that other cities would find incomprehensible and simply not stand for. The longer Detroiters and its business community allows for this to go on, the more they will look like Kilpatrick's wife – and the litany of other weary and despondent wives of philandering politicians – hanging on because it's all they know and it's what they have come accustomed to. Detroit deserves better, even if they don't realize it.

Reagan more like Monroe than Lohan is?

If you're a male, it's likely that reaction to the newly released Lindsay Lohan photos in New York magazine went probably something like this. "I hate it when young, struggling actresses try to channel their inner/non-existent Monroe for attention, especially wh...oh, BOOBIES!" Effective strategy, but Lindsay and her mean girls aren't too original. Monroe has become the compass for the caravan of wayward, top-heavy, marginally talented starlets of Gen X & Y. Britney Spears was on the cover of Esquire in a Monroe inspired pose over three years ago when her career had already hit its apex. Countless others have been shot in Seven Year Itch, over-the-subway-gate style in the pages of Rolling Stone, W, and others. Even Madonna - without question the most talented and deserving contemporary of Monroe - has borrowed liberally from Norma Jean.

But none of this is new. Monroe was revolutionary. And talented. This continual re-hashing of her iconic status exploited by unworthy teeny-boppers is frustrating. The essence of the photos don't rely on Lohan's talents or her public persona (I have a feeling the thongless-in-the -bathroom-of-Butter idea was shot down early at the New York offices), but in the sorry exercise of parading the Monroe ideal around in a tired manner. If Lohan had any laurels or talent to fall back on, she wouldn't need to do this. You don't see Reese Witherspoon - or even Charlize Theron - doing this. Demi Moore figured out a way to avoid the MM trap too. Those three said, "Screw it, I'm doing my own thing, my own way."

Who other than desperate, fledgling actresses would continue to call upon the past to improve the trajectory of their sputtering star? Desperate, fledgling Republicans of course. While a McCain nomination looks all-but-certain now, a few weeks ago, McCain, Romney, Huckabee, Thompson, and Giuliani all tried their best to out-Ronald Reagan each other for the nod. Who could be unify the party like Reagan? Who could stand up to terrorism and the economy like Reagan? Who could teach my grandfather to swim most like Reagan (true story)? Who would have the guts to ask "Are you better now than you were four years ago" at a debate? (Unfortunately no one who wanted to actually WIN, but that would have been classic. Maybe Hillary or Obama can use that one.) It was a tiresome and stale exercise, indicating that the Republicans were stuck in 1980 while their Democratic counterparts were (for better or worse) firmly fixed on the 21st century and honest "change". Nancy Reagan was clearly exhausted after the GOP'ers continually asked her to go to dig up her husband's corpse so that they could ask him who was the legitimate heir to his kingdom. It was embarrassing and painful.

As of now, we know that Lohan cannot offer anything new and McCain, while he promises some change, already has found much of his maverick cache gone. Let just hope he doesn't decide to do a photo spread inspired by Some Like It Hot in a last ditch effort for attention and support.