I likely chose poorly

Inspired by Indiana Jones and his quest for some crystal skulls (along with an AV Club post), here's a list of my favorite objects of pursuit in movie history. Feel free to call me a limited-minded clown in the comments and add whatever I have clearly missed.


Maltese Falcon - Maltese Falcon
A priceless bejeweled bird statue that was long-lost is zealously pursued both in print - in 1930's classic by Dashiell Hammett - and thrice on screen - most famously in the 1940s film starring Humphrey Bogart as Hammett's venerable private eye Sam Spade. The story arc is wraught with deception, trickery and murder as Spade and a group of bad guys try to locate the statuette who had been covered in enamel to belie its true value. But the pursuit is ultimately in vain as the villains get their hands on the bird only to find the material under the black veneer as worthless. All the deception - all the all-consuming effort - in an attempt to possess a trinket rather than "something only dreams are made of."



Sex - American Pie
This pursuit is the yoke to any number of films - Porky's and Superbad comes to mind - but I think American Pie is probably the best example. Four guys strike a pact to deflower their girlfriends - or anyone with two legs and wearing something bigger than a training bra - before the end of their prom night. This inevitably leads to hi-jinks and the search for an even more mythologized object - the g-spot - as the four "gentlemen" go about a means to the agreed end in their own individualized and haphazard way. My biggest problem with the film is that it is totally unbelievable. Not Oz joining the choir or Stifler's mom claiming she hadn't gone under the knife, but the contention that Tara Reid would still be a virgin by the time she got to her senior prom. This is simply not possible and way outside the bounds of believability. Although I suppose Reid was still a virgin if your definition of "virgin" is "getting Eiffel Towered in the men's room of a roadside IHOP after taking rails off the toilet seat."


The One Ring - Lord of the Ring trilogy
This list would have no credibility if the ring weren't included - not that I have any visions of grandeur about it nor am I looking for it by writing Robot. The three films have at their core the pursuit of an all-powerful ring infused with destructive and persuasive powers. But unlike others on this list, the ring isn't being sought to possess, but to destroy, leading the protagonists to Mount Doom where the climax of the films take place in epic fashion. So, it's here on the list. Don't yell at me in the comments or on Gchat.


The Ark of the Covenant & Holy Grail - Indiana Jones series
These two objects and films were the inspiration for the list. The formula of the Indy films is so accessible and enjoyable, especially when they have the scene 25 minutes into each film - after an extended (and unrelated) action sequence - where the pursued artifact is explained in detail and the stakes are set. These intriguing - yet clarifying scenes - serve as a necessary set-up for the 90 minutes of action that follows and invests the audience in the long-sought, powerful objects. In both instances, the building tension leads to a satisfying crescendo with two memorable climatic scenes. The ultimate fate of the ark - the U.S. government seizing the golden artifact that holds the remnants of the original Ten Commandments - all but reburies it, not in sand but bureaucracy. And the "he chose poorly" line from the Knight at the conclusion of Last Crusade stands as one of the most effectively understated line in movie history.

Gray's Sports Almanac - Back to the Future II
Less mythic and sexy than most pursuits, the Gray's Sports Almanac is perhaps the most lucrative. Irresponsibility skirting the time-space continuum, Marty McFly tries to being the almanac back with him from the future in an attempt to make riches by placing a few sure bets in the 1980s, all the while knowing the outcome of each major sporting event. Of course, Doc talks him out of it, but the meat head Biff steals Gray's, the DeLorean and Marty's plan, illustrating the entirely undesirable consequences of playing with time. But perhaps the most memorable sports moment of Future's second installment was the huge LED board that announced that Cubs had defeated an unnamed team from Miami in the World Series.



The Big W - It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
It's A Mad... is probably the funniest film no one reading this has seen featuring untold numbers of famous comedians - Tracy, Burle, Caesar, Winters, Rooney, Hackett, Keaton, Ethel Merman. Unfortunately a recent interpretation - Rat Race - was an unworthy successor, but the plot is similar - a dying man tells a group of people about a hidden fortune and the mad scramble is on to locate it. In Mad, it's know that the treasure is buried under a giant W, which turns out to be four huge palm trees buried at an angle. On the way, there are countless memorable scenes including one with a drunken airline pilot ("Let's just shoot him down and get it over with"), at a Ray & Irwin's gas station ("We're going to have to kill him"), dynamiting out of a locked hardware store basement, and the final rush once people realize what exactly the big W is.



The perfect Christmas tree - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Not that there aren't amazingly memorable scenes throughout the entire movie ("We are standing at the threshold of Hell" and anything with Cousin Eddie come to mind), but the Griswold family starts by seeking out the perfect Christmas tree in what looks to be a national park. The family station wagon ends up under a semi then crashing over a snowbank, they don't remember an ax, and by the time they actually find the Christmas tree - haloed with glow and touched with the voice of angels - the Griswold's daughter appears to have taken on the complexion of Grimace. When they finally open the tree, it is slightly larger than expected crashing through windows and drywall alike. The pursuit of the tree reaches its final hilarity when Clark tries to read in bed, caress his wife's hair and turn off the lamp all with sap covering his fingers. Classic and memorable.



Woody - Toy Story 2
After Woody is accidentilly sold at a garage sale to a rare toy dealer, Buzz and company spend the balance of the film tracking him down. This gets the nod over the first film because it is one of that rare breed where the sequel outshines the original. The wink-wink, nod-nod nature of the script - playing off of Buzz' ego and making it even more adult-friendly than the first - creates a more complete film from beginning to end, more emotionally compelling as well when Andy's other toys discover than the Alpha toy isn't so keen on breaking up the Round Up Gang. The scene of the toys trying to cross the street into Al's Toy Barn stand as one of the most entertaining action sequences on this list.



Pamela Anderson - Borat
This doesn't really even need to be explained, but she possesses the breasts that launched a thousand ships (or at least a single ice cream truck) in perhaps the most comedic pursuit in the 21st century. We must also commend Borat, who shows courage and persistence after he discovers that the object of his affection may not have - ummmmm - "saved herself" for our Kazakhstanian hero. Which brings up this totally unrelated and utterly pointless observation - have Pamela Anderson's breasts been seen by more people than any other woman's? The only one I can think who has likely been seen more times topless than her is Kate Winslet.


Richard Kimball & the One Armed Man - The Fugitive
"Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him."

"I didn't kill my wife." "I don't care"

Awesome.

A few others in the pursued person division - John & Sarah Connor (depending on the film), Private Ryan ("The Mission is a Man") and Keyser Soze - along with the Heart of the Ocean from Titanic, the golden ticket from Willy Wonka, and the defecting Red October. Let me know if I have forgotten any.

Big two-hour LOST finale this week. You can click here for all my previous LOST columns, including this one where I explain why I think it is Ben is the casket.

Unfortunately Erin Esurance Just Misssed the Cut

I honestly have no idea what inspired this post, but here it is. I'm also not entirely sure if I used any criteria, but I tried to keep it fictional characters, most likely from one's childhood. It is essentially looking at irrational childhood crushes and whether a long-term relationship with them could work.

Queen Frostine

The wholesome female monarch is married to King Candy and his huge phallic candy stick. However not all may be sugar sweet in the Candy Kingdom and Miss Frostine seems to be back on the market. In recent editions of Candy Land, the Queen has been renamed Princess Frostine, making her one of the most eligible board game sirens. Not only is she angelic, but powerful and influential; her occupied space on the Candy Land board is the furthest along you can automatically move by drawing a card. As much as I like Mr. Mint and Plumpy, drawing their cards rarely helps you actually win the game. There is little competition from other Candy Land women. Grandma Nutt may be a cougar and a good cook, but not exactly crush material and Princess Lolly looks like she is about 6. My guess is that Chris Hansen's team emails photos of Lolly out to guys in order to get them to come to the "To Catch A Predator" house. Chances it would work: 70% - she gets the benefit of the doubt on the apparent divorce and the second times a charm, right? Maybe.

Carmen Sandiego

What is there not to like about Carmen? Brazen, powerful, mysterious, jet-setting, and with her own amazingly awesome song inspired by her globalexploits. The only draw backs? She may be too elusive, enjoying her "bachelorette-dom". There is lots of competition for her attention - Vic the Slick, the Double Trouble twins, RoboCrook and Top Grunge, not to mention the four members of Rockapella and Greg Lee. And we can't be absolutely certain that her face is vaguely similar to the Opera Ghost in the bowels of the Opera Garnier. This recent photo of the felonious fetale doesn't soothe any concerns I have. 3.8% - first of you, you need to find her and then convince her to settle down. Exciting prospect, but not likely.

Miss Scarlet

Up there with Queen Frostine in the board game hierarchy, the sultry Scarlet just can't help but attract the unrequited attention of twelve-year olds. Cunning, beautiful, and resident in an expansive nine room mansion, the biggest hang-up with her is that she always seems to be skirting the law and under investigation for murder. Rumors persist that she has lecherous tendencies and cannot shake the overzealous eye of Colonel Mustard or the trophy-wife seeker Mr. Green. Other female competition in the Boddy mansion is pretty limited though. Mrs. Peacock looks to be related to Grandma Nutt and while Miss White appears ready for some role-play adventure, my guess is that she's spending most of her time getting high in the conservatory. 57% - if she stays out of jail and doesn't go for the nice guy in the Boddy Mansion - Professor Plum - then it could work.

Princess Peach

The Princess seems to share a wardrobe with Queen Frostine, but doesn't come with all the baggage that a recent divorcee does, which makes her seemingly more of an attractive mate. But Queen Frostine must have gotten at least half of the Candy Kingdom in her divorce while the Princess ALWAYS seems to be getting herself kidnapped by King Koopa. She may be more work than she is worth and she doesn't seem to have learned her lesson. She gets saved by the Super Mario Brothers in the game's first installment and runs around in the second one before getting captured again, sending the brothers on another epic journey in Super Mario Brothers 3 - although I may be able to forgive her for it because the third installment of SMB may be one of the greatest video games ever. So if she was the face that launched a thousand raccoon tails, then she should be thanked for that. Three other quick points - she induces a serious case of the blue balls because every time Mario thinks he's gotten to the right castle to save the Princess, she is always somewhere else. She also now has a unsettling resemblance to what an older Jonbenet Ramsey might look like. Regardless, she beats out Zelda on this list because Zelda was entirely helpless and the Princess actually is a decent driver in MarioKart. 83% - it may not be exciting and you'd have to live far away from any castles, but the odds are for it working.

Catwoman

With the leather form-fitting outfit and the whip, potential suitors should probably be worried about her being into some serious S&M. But at the innocent age of eleven, that really doesn't cross your mind. She is Carmen Jr. - masked face and flair for the theatrical, but her burglaries don't really hold a candle to Sandiego's epic thefts. While sexy, I can't look beyond the awful movie. Not even a ripped leather outfit on Halle Barry - nor promo photos like this - could save that film. Plus, she has had a recurring love-affair with the Dark Knight, thwarting all boyhood dreams unless they lost their parents in Crime Alley and live in a Manor outside of a fictitious metropolitan area. 2% - she carries a whip with her. That'll get old before you unpack all your boxes. Plus she likes cats.

Daphne Blake

The red-headed flame of the Mystery Machine, Daphne didn't always fill the damsel-in-distress role, although it happened pretty often. But her tendency to yell a startled "jeepers!" always made me think that Fred was maybe putting the moves on her. But that never happened thanks to the world's most effective and consistent cock-block - Velma - who always shadowing Fred and Daphne when the quintet went off to investigate mysterious happenings. I would pay probably upwards of $50 to see an episode where Velma volunteers to go with Daphne and Fred to explore the haunted house, followed by Fred clocking her across the face with a fairway wood so he could get some alone time with his fellow ascot wearer. 98% - but only if you can separate her from Velma. If not, then .04% - chances are that a homicide will be taking place and Daphne will be a jail-house widow if Velma came in tow.

Smurfette

She is the epitome of "press box hot". There is nothing more hilarious than watch the mostly male media members ogle and swoon over a marginally attractive female in the press box, who is only getting the attention because she is the only female in the place. If Patty Bouvier - Marge Simpson's sister - were a sports writer, she would be treated as if she were Scarlett Johansson. It's the same way with Smurfette. She is the only female in a sea of blue skinned, white pant-wearing men. It doesn't matter what she looks like...she is "press box hot" and thus gets obscene amounts of attention, much of it undeserved. 4% - the competition is just too great.

Betty Rubble

It is reasonably likely Jack Donaghy got on his horn and checked to see if the pre-historic hottie would make an appearance on "MILF Island". That's only because Tina Fey's character on "30 Rock" - Liz Lemon - isn't married, otherwise she would have Rubble's spot. 0% - if she left Barney, that would ruin our entire conception of who she is and make her immediately undesirable. Plus, almost no one has a stone/rock-inspired last name and we all know that is important to Betty.

Judy Jetson

She's cute and all, but there are two things that are huge warning signs. My guess she is the cattiest, most obnoxiously demanding, and spoiled one on this list, but I suppose she comes by it honestly. Her mom just swipes George's wallet from him at the end of the opening credits. And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Plus, she's - what - 17 and she already has a head full of gray hair. That is just not right. 12% - who would have thought a Christina Aguilera marriage would have worked? But young Judy could easily teeter towards Spears-dom.

I think the Color Kid is coming out in 2010

There are a few events every year that mark the beginning of seasons to me. This means winter. This means fall. This just sounds like the trees blooming and the coming thaw of spring. And increasingly summer sounds something like this. Or this. Or this. Since 2000, the summer movie docket has been populated – perhaps overpopulated – with superhero films based on comic book characters. In each year of the new millennium, a superhero film has finished as one of the top ten grossing films in the country – from 2000’s X-Men to 2007’s Spider-Man 3. The future Hollywood landscape looks similar – Iron Man makes his silver screen debut in May. The purple jeans-clad Hulk gets a much needed – albeit not highly demanded – re-visitation after Ang Lee’s tedious attempt earlier this decade. And a certain young man is almost beside himself waiting for The Dark Knight. 2009 will see the release of a Wolverine origin story starring Hugh Jackman, a Captain America pic, and G.I. Joe (I am hoping it starts like this). The success of these films comes at a time when the mainstream popularity of comic books has dropped significantly over the past two decades. But the heroes who once found themselves published only in the marginalized mediums of comic books have captured wide and loyal viewing audiences.

Why have these films found traction? Why can’t Hollywood get enough of them? And why are even more coming down the pipeline? A few thoughts.

The incredible number of characters and stories

Hollywood loves to take an idea or story formula and beat it into the ground until there is nothing but the tired shell of the original idea. Think of what they did to television game shows in the late 1990s and how they spawned bastardized off-spring of shows like Friends, The X-Files, and Sex and the City to see this pattern. Comic book films are a similar phenomenon. One studio sees another score a huge hit with a comic book adaptation and they want their own. Fortunately, the comic book canon is enormous, both in the number of characters and their rich, numerous story lines. These characters have been created and recreated countless times and are available to be reinterpreted on film again. Studios can delve deep into the character’s cannon to pull the most compelling stories to adapt onto the big screen. The material and storyline often times just needs to be found, not created. The incredible depth not only provides a single story arc, but a number of compelling plots and angles for a single character, making sequels that much more viable and attractive.

Batman is a great example of this. Warner Brothers released four Batman films between 1989 and 1997 with the final installment – Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin – essentially killing the franchises’ momentum. After waiting almost a decade, Warner Brothers revived Batman by fusing three of the character’s best graphic novel stories into a film, relying heavily on Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One. The resulting film – Batman Begins – stayed true to the character’s roots, scrapping the previous image of the Batman from the 1990s films and in doing so found greater success at the box office than any of the other previous Batman movies.

Special effects and compelling stories merge

Much of the film’s appeal to an audience much wider than core comic book readers stems from the reemphasis on the compelling characters and narrative structure rather than relying solely on special effects to sell the film. Since audiences have come to take awesome and intricate special effects for granted, studios can no longer rely solely on special effects to sell a film, a la Twister. The novelty of special effects has worn off, resulting in audiences now expecting some dimension and complexity to the characters and a certain narrative quality in addition to the visual fireworks. Comic books are uniquely ripe for this type of adaptation. Comic book films allow for the film makers to uniquely structure a compelling story arc – a vast canvas with complex characters, flawed figures, and intricate emotions – within the traditional blockbuster blueprint whose foundation is in special effects.

Emphasis on the story means emphasis on the alter ego

Because the character’s emotional component is on the forefront of the story, this means that the superheroes’ alter-ego is an important component in connecting with the audience. Audiences are unable to relate to Spider-man’s graceful swings down New York City’s concrete canyons, but they can emphasize with Peter Parker’s rent problems and his overriding concern for his Aunt May. A movie-goer might not be able to share Wolverine physical make-up, but most in the audience can connect with the character’s status as marginalized and misunderstood. The X-Men series does a particularly deft job at balancing their protagonists’ super powers with their emotional baggage. There is a judicial display of their superpowers throughout the films in order to not dilute the human element of the story. The script even calls for the X-Men to call themselves by their given names (Logan, Scott, Eric), not their mutant names (Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto, respectively). These psychologically complex characters with obvious emotional concerns provide these films their ethos, making it easier for the director to communicate the story to the audience.

This also impacts the casting of these characters. The casting decisions take into account both the superhero and the alter-ego. Tobey Maguire might not seem like he would be a natural pick for Spider-Man, but he is spot on as Peter Parker, showing that both sides of the character were considered when casting the role. The other component is that most of these leads in the superhero films since 2000 have been relative unknowns; Maguire as Spider-Man, Christian Bale as Batman, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, and Brandon Roth as Superman. This makes it easier for the director to communicate with the audience because they are not distracted by seeing a well-known actor in the role, but rather the physical representation of an iconic image.

Comic books are essentially a director’s story boards

Another advantage to comic book adaptations is the way in which comic books are written. They are essentially story boards to the directors, a graphic organizer of illustrations that are displayed in sequence for the explicit purpose of visualizing motion sequences. Comic strips in the 1930s and 40s are now generally considered to be the video tape of its day. The advancements in special effects has allowed for directors to create a world where the action of the character can be convincingly and believably shown on screen, whereas before the movement of a Spider-man or Magneto could only be imagined by the reader in the static pages of the comic book. Special effects in motion pictures filled in the imagined action only implied in the two-dimensional, static world of comic books.

It is fun to watch

This may be obscenely simple, but superhero movies – on the whole – are fun to watch. Most of these characters are unrealized heroes and boys of all ages like things that fly, explode, and have capes. As long as it is treated seriously, then it is tough to go wrong. That means stay away from these clowns.

Sam Adams B(eats) General Tso (Chicken)

Samuel Adams organized the Boston Tea Party, but is better known as a beer brand; most people under 30 think of a nunchuck-wielding, orange-clad mutant turtle - not a Renaissance artist - when they hear the name Michelangelo. It's easy to see there's a long tradition in America of recalling history in a backhanded way, honoring people and places in ways that bear little resemblance to their actual significance - coincidental or not. In doing so, we recreate history and historical figures, remembering them in our own unique way.

For example, John Hancock should be remembered for large things (President of the Second Continental Congress), but his name lives on because of larger things – his signature on the Declaration of Independence and the downtown Chicago building. An O. Henry can be “A Gift of the Magi” and a gift of sugar high, as both short stories and candy bars are meant to be consumed. And one can assume that Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show didn’t feature football games between cowboys and redskins, but the Buffalo Bills’ 2007 schedule featured contests against both Cowboys (from Dallas) and Redskins (from Washington).

Americans also seem to usurp foreign allusions easily. Homer no longer fathered just the Iliad and the Odyssey, but also Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. Can you imagine Cadillac rolling up the waters of the Detroit River in a canoe outlined in chrome and with spinners on the paddles? Most remember Casablanca as home not to Hassan II Mosque – the world’s second largest – but rather Rick’s Café. And one would think Marco Polo’s navigation of the Silk Road was slightly less happenstance than the pool game that carries his name.

Others references simply cross one of the oceans on their own through cultural osmosis. A certain Irish rock band may make more noise than the early Cold War spy aircraft they lifted their name from: the U2. Few people remember that Bloody Mary was first related to a Tudor, not a Mimosa. The Duke of Windsor’s scandalous abdication is long forgotten, but his debonair double-knot remains popular. And the end at Marathon now isn’t widely known for a crippling Persian defeat, but rather for crippling pains in da feet. And I'm almost certain that General Tso's troops didn't enjoy his delicious chicken during the Taiping Rebellion, but I sure do.

Current pop culture isn’t immune to their trend either. If I said, “I just finished Gray’s Anatomy,” you’d think I’d been watching a 43-minute drama dripping with sexual tension rather than reading a 1,000+ page document dealing with skulls and tendons. The original Madonna didn’t roll around in the innkeeper’s stable singing “Like A Virgin” while wearing a wedding dress before the birth of Jesus. And if my roommate tosses his Apple, Steve Jobs – not Johnny Appleseed – takes offense. The most famous white Bronco should be John Elway, not the one with O.J. riding in the back seat. And if a young Hollywood celeb told his parents he was in Paris last night, he might not have been talking about the one with the Louvre.

We’re involved in this cultural exchange every day. We’ve created a culture that might seem like our own, but it’s not; it’s inherently interwoven with history in entertaining – albeit less relevant – ways. While mostly harmless, this “reinterpretation” can be embarrassing, especially for well-educated college students. And I offer a final example to stave off possible embarrassment: Beirut is the capital of Lebanon, not just a collegiate drinking game, to played with – not against – Sam Adams.

Reagan more like Monroe than Lohan is?

If you're a male, it's likely that reaction to the newly released Lindsay Lohan photos in New York magazine went probably something like this. "I hate it when young, struggling actresses try to channel their inner/non-existent Monroe for attention, especially wh...oh, BOOBIES!" Effective strategy, but Lindsay and her mean girls aren't too original. Monroe has become the compass for the caravan of wayward, top-heavy, marginally talented starlets of Gen X & Y. Britney Spears was on the cover of Esquire in a Monroe inspired pose over three years ago when her career had already hit its apex. Countless others have been shot in Seven Year Itch, over-the-subway-gate style in the pages of Rolling Stone, W, and others. Even Madonna - without question the most talented and deserving contemporary of Monroe - has borrowed liberally from Norma Jean.

But none of this is new. Monroe was revolutionary. And talented. This continual re-hashing of her iconic status exploited by unworthy teeny-boppers is frustrating. The essence of the photos don't rely on Lohan's talents or her public persona (I have a feeling the thongless-in-the -bathroom-of-Butter idea was shot down early at the New York offices), but in the sorry exercise of parading the Monroe ideal around in a tired manner. If Lohan had any laurels or talent to fall back on, she wouldn't need to do this. You don't see Reese Witherspoon - or even Charlize Theron - doing this. Demi Moore figured out a way to avoid the MM trap too. Those three said, "Screw it, I'm doing my own thing, my own way."

Who other than desperate, fledgling actresses would continue to call upon the past to improve the trajectory of their sputtering star? Desperate, fledgling Republicans of course. While a McCain nomination looks all-but-certain now, a few weeks ago, McCain, Romney, Huckabee, Thompson, and Giuliani all tried their best to out-Ronald Reagan each other for the nod. Who could be unify the party like Reagan? Who could stand up to terrorism and the economy like Reagan? Who could teach my grandfather to swim most like Reagan (true story)? Who would have the guts to ask "Are you better now than you were four years ago" at a debate? (Unfortunately no one who wanted to actually WIN, but that would have been classic. Maybe Hillary or Obama can use that one.) It was a tiresome and stale exercise, indicating that the Republicans were stuck in 1980 while their Democratic counterparts were (for better or worse) firmly fixed on the 21st century and honest "change". Nancy Reagan was clearly exhausted after the GOP'ers continually asked her to go to dig up her husband's corpse so that they could ask him who was the legitimate heir to his kingdom. It was embarrassing and painful.

As of now, we know that Lohan cannot offer anything new and McCain, while he promises some change, already has found much of his maverick cache gone. Let just hope he doesn't decide to do a photo spread inspired by Some Like It Hot in a last ditch effort for attention and support.