Sunday, April 13, 2008

Unfortunately Erin Esurance Just Misssed the Cut

I honestly have no idea what inspired this post, but here it is. I'm also not entirely sure if I used any criteria, but I tried to keep it fictional characters, most likely from one's childhood. It is essentially looking at irrational childhood crushes and whether a long-term relationship with them could work.

Queen Frostine

The wholesome female monarch is married to King Candy and his huge phallic candy stick. However not all may be sugar sweet in the Candy Kingdom and Miss Frostine seems to be back on the market. In recent editions of Candy Land, the Queen has been renamed Princess Frostine, making her one of the most eligible board game sirens. Not only is she angelic, but powerful and influential; her occupied space on the Candy Land board is the furthest along you can automatically move by drawing a card. As much as I like Mr. Mint and Plumpy, drawing their cards rarely helps you actually win the game. There is little competition from other Candy Land women. Grandma Nutt may be a cougar and a good cook, but not exactly crush material and Princess Lolly looks like she is about 6. My guess is that Chris Hansen's team emails photos of Lolly out to guys in order to get them to come to the "To Catch A Predator" house. Chances it would work: 70% - she gets the benefit of the doubt on the apparent divorce and the second times a charm, right? Maybe.

Carmen Sandiego

What is there not to like about Carmen? Brazen, powerful, mysterious, jet-setting, and with her own amazingly awesome song inspired by her globalexploits. The only draw backs? She may be too elusive, enjoying her "bachelorette-dom". There is lots of competition for her attention - Vic the Slick, the Double Trouble twins, RoboCrook and Top Grunge, not to mention the four members of Rockapella and Greg Lee. And we can't be absolutely certain that her face is vaguely similar to the Opera Ghost in the bowels of the Opera Garnier. This recent photo of the felonious fetale doesn't soothe any concerns I have. 3.8% - first of you, you need to find her and then convince her to settle down. Exciting prospect, but not likely.

Miss Scarlet

Up there with Queen Frostine in the board game hierarchy, the sultry Scarlet just can't help but attract the unrequited attention of twelve-year olds. Cunning, beautiful, and resident in an expansive nine room mansion, the biggest hang-up with her is that she always seems to be skirting the law and under investigation for murder. Rumors persist that she has lecherous tendencies and cannot shake the overzealous eye of Colonel Mustard or the trophy-wife seeker Mr. Green. Other female competition in the Boddy mansion is pretty limited though. Mrs. Peacock looks to be related to Grandma Nutt and while Miss White appears ready for some role-play adventure, my guess is that she's spending most of her time getting high in the conservatory. 57% - if she stays out of jail and doesn't go for the nice guy in the Boddy Mansion - Professor Plum - then it could work.

Princess Peach

The Princess seems to share a wardrobe with Queen Frostine, but doesn't come with all the baggage that a recent divorcee does, which makes her seemingly more of an attractive mate. But Queen Frostine must have gotten at least half of the Candy Kingdom in her divorce while the Princess ALWAYS seems to be getting herself kidnapped by King Koopa. She may be more work than she is worth and she doesn't seem to have learned her lesson. She gets saved by the Super Mario Brothers in the game's first installment and runs around in the second one before getting captured again, sending the brothers on another epic journey in Super Mario Brothers 3 - although I may be able to forgive her for it because the third installment of SMB may be one of the greatest video games ever. So if she was the face that launched a thousand raccoon tails, then she should be thanked for that. Three other quick points - she induces a serious case of the blue balls because every time Mario thinks he's gotten to the right castle to save the Princess, she is always somewhere else. She also now has a unsettling resemblance to what an older Jonbenet Ramsey might look like. Regardless, she beats out Zelda on this list because Zelda was entirely helpless and the Princess actually is a decent driver in MarioKart. 83% - it may not be exciting and you'd have to live far away from any castles, but the odds are for it working.


With the leather form-fitting outfit and the whip, potential suitors should probably be worried about her being into some serious S&M. But at the innocent age of eleven, that really doesn't cross your mind. She is Carmen Jr. - masked face and flair for the theatrical, but her burglaries don't really hold a candle to Sandiego's epic thefts. While sexy, I can't look beyond the awful movie. Not even a ripped leather outfit on Halle Barry - nor promo photos like this - could save that film. Plus, she has had a recurring love-affair with the Dark Knight, thwarting all boyhood dreams unless they lost their parents in Crime Alley and live in a Manor outside of a fictitious metropolitan area. 2% - she carries a whip with her. That'll get old before you unpack all your boxes. Plus she likes cats.

Daphne Blake

The red-headed flame of the Mystery Machine, Daphne didn't always fill the damsel-in-distress role, although it happened pretty often. But her tendency to yell a startled "jeepers!" always made me think that Fred was maybe putting the moves on her. But that never happened thanks to the world's most effective and consistent cock-block - Velma - who always shadowing Fred and Daphne when the quintet went off to investigate mysterious happenings. I would pay probably upwards of $50 to see an episode where Velma volunteers to go with Daphne and Fred to explore the haunted house, followed by Fred clocking her across the face with a fairway wood so he could get some alone time with his fellow ascot wearer. 98% - but only if you can separate her from Velma. If not, then .04% - chances are that a homicide will be taking place and Daphne will be a jail-house widow if Velma came in tow.


She is the epitome of "press box hot". There is nothing more hilarious than watch the mostly male media members ogle and swoon over a marginally attractive female in the press box, who is only getting the attention because she is the only female in the place. If Patty Bouvier - Marge Simpson's sister - were a sports writer, she would be treated as if she were Scarlett Johansson. It's the same way with Smurfette. She is the only female in a sea of blue skinned, white pant-wearing men. It doesn't matter what she looks like...she is "press box hot" and thus gets obscene amounts of attention, much of it undeserved. 4% - the competition is just too great.

Betty Rubble

It is reasonably likely Jack Donaghy got on his horn and checked to see if the pre-historic hottie would make an appearance on "MILF Island". That's only because Tina Fey's character on "30 Rock" - Liz Lemon - isn't married, otherwise she would have Rubble's spot. 0% - if she left Barney, that would ruin our entire conception of who she is and make her immediately undesirable. Plus, almost no one has a stone/rock-inspired last name and we all know that is important to Betty.

Judy Jetson

She's cute and all, but there are two things that are huge warning signs. My guess she is the cattiest, most obnoxiously demanding, and spoiled one on this list, but I suppose she comes by it honestly. Her mom just swipes George's wallet from him at the end of the opening credits. And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Plus, she's - what - 17 and she already has a head full of gray hair. That is just not right. 12% - who would have thought a Christina Aguilera marriage would have worked? But young Judy could easily teeter towards Spears-dom.

1 comment:

Hayley said...

If I were into chicks... I would totally mention April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She's like Daphne's ass-kicking older sister. Bad news, you'd eventually have to fight Shredder and probably all 4 Turtles, too. Turtle Power!